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I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal

I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time? Now, be warned� I have some very specific stipulations for this fantasy of mine:

1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That�s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed. These can include:

Fruity Pebbles
Count Chocula
Cookie Crisp
Cocoa Pebbles
Cocoa Puffs
Golden Crisps
Honey Smacks
Cap�n Crunch�s Peanut Butter Crunch
Cap�n Crunch
Apple Jacks
Froot Loops
Corn Pops

If you have other suggestions I am more than happy to entertain them.

2) It must be 2% milk, having sex in a bathtub full of cereal is no time for moderation. Plus, I need to get my daily dose of Vitamins A and D.

3) You must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don�t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy.

4) If you insist of photography/videography I will need to insist that I wear a Mexican wrestling mask a la Nacho Libre.

5) I plan on making this a safe encounter to please feel free to bring your own utensils.

After we are finished if you feel like you need something to make you regular again, I should have some Grape-Nuts that you can nibble on. If you are serious, send me a photo, I need to make sure you can fit into the tub.

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To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller

You were the attractive woman in her teens. I was the unattractive older man who you walked by on the sidewalk. I was the one who shouted, "Wanna know what it feels like to be a woman? I've got what you need girl!" Or something to that effect. Then I think I hip thrusted a few times, laughed, and high-fived the guys with me.

I would like to apologize for my rude and unacceptable behavior. I've never been very good with women. The guys with me were good people, but most of us have been hurt terribly in the past by our girlfriends and wives, so we've rationalized our failures and bad upbringing by embracing a chauvinistic, male dominant ideal. As for myself, I'm afraid I have come to embody my father, who's love I always sought even though he consistently beat and humiliated my mother. For perpetuating a terrible male stereotype and allowing this crime to continue into my generation, I am absolutely and eternally sorry. I just want you to know, that while I find you very attractive and acted crudely and violently to indicate my favor, it was not a personal attack. In the only way I had been taught, I was trying to tell you that I thought you were beautiful. I'm sorry that I took away your smile. I'm sorry that I objectified you. This life I've built for myself will leave me unhappy and alone. In my later years, I will atone for my sins in solitude. But for now, without the will to change and without the courage to challenge my nature, all I have to offer you is this anonymous apology. It is sincere, and while I do not expect you to forgive me, I ask only that you try to understand. Though my nature is wretched, and my actions are cruel, underneath I am just a frightened boy. Just a boy who was taught to be the wrong kind of man. I wish you happiness and prosperity young lady.

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To the girl I had drunk sex with last night

Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don't remember meeting you. I don't remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don't know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.

We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That's great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don't remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don't regret it, though. I just have two questions.

What's your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?

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Tips for giving head

I think that most guys are easy to please when it comes to sucking their cock. Sure, you might find yourself the occasional connoisseur, but generally if you go for quantity over quality you can't go wrong. But, if you want to blow his mind when you blow his cock, here's some tips. I've got most of my information from asking other people, both guys and girls, and I've included stuff I've learned in my experience as a cock-sucking slut!

First of all, the general opinion seems to be that unless there's a pressing reason (like you're sucking off total strangers on a crowded train) it's preferable if you're naked. Particularly if you've got nice tits (and let's face it, boys are less fussy about the tits they can get in their bedroom than they are about the ones in porn), topless is almost a minimum requirement. There are a couple of advantages to being naked when you're giving a blowjob. Firstly, it's easier to clean up -- just rub anything that lands on you into your skin. Sure, you'll never get a nice Monica Lewinski-style souvenir, but at the same time you'll save money on dry cleaning. Secondly, it means easy access so you or he can play with your bits and pieces -- you'll both love it, more on this later.

Now, obviously getting naked before giving head will decrease the spontaneity a bit. Spontaneity is something a lot of guys like, and I think there are a few reasons. Firstly, the idea that you can't wait to drink the cum straight out of him will probably drive your man wild. I remember watching in awe as my best friend dropped to her knees at a music festival once, her man loved it so much she only just got her mouth around his dick in time to swallow his load. I think a spontaneous blowjob also has a subtle psychological effect. If you randomly whip out his cock and suck him off, it will seem more likely to him that you'll do it again some time.

So to put a bit of that spontaneity back in, you could try a couple of things that work for me. Obviously, you could take advantage of already being naked, if you're changing clothes or having a shower. Another thing I've found drives most men wild is to drop to your knees, start sucking on their cock, and then tear your clothes off. Finally, you could do a little bit of planning and be wearing something that will come off quickly and easily as you move toward his big, throbbing member. You could, of course, suck him off fully clothed every once in a while, some guys love it like that, some like to have a view.

A very important facet of your blowjob is what I will, for want of a better word, call presentation. I've found that there's not much turns a man on more than the idea that you can't resist sucking on his dick. Paradoxically, a bit of teasing is also a big help, particularly if you're trying to make and impression. The old sucking on a prop trick is clich�d because it works -- don't be scared to use it. If there's nothing suitable readily available, suck on your finger. This is extremely effective if you do it in public. Just keep your eyes locked on his, so he knows the prop is standing in for his dick, not someone else's.

In a similar vein, give him a big sloppy kiss and pretend his tongue is his dick. Suck it into your mouth and run your tongue over it. Some guys like this more than others.

Once you get him alone with plenty of time, give him a show. You or he can take your clothes off, but if you want him to do it you might need to get it started to give him the idea -- men can be a bit slow sometimes! If you're a confident girl, give him a bit of a striptease, with or without music, finish up with a few sexy poses, then get out his dick and chow down. If you're a bit less outgoing, or you're shy, take your own clothes off, but do it slowly. One thing that used to help me was imagining your hands belong to someone else. Move a slowly as you can, turning occasionally. Caress your own skin like a lover should. A big teasing tip: remove your underwear with your back to him, but turn between bra and panties so he gets a look at your tits. Pinch your nipples a bit for him, I've never met a man that didn't work on. If you're insecure about your body, do all this with the lights low; guys have a pretty good imagination, so chances are he'll remember you looking sexier than you think.

So now we're at the stage where you're naked and he's starting to go crazy with lust. You need to get over there and start sucking, and you can just do that directly if you want. This works well in terms of making him feel irresistible. I would recommend saying something like, "Get that big dick out, honey, I want to suck you dry," as you advance on him. Try to time it so your knees hit the floor as his cock pops out of his pants, that way it's more like a porn movie, and he'll love it.

To keep things in your control, you need to keep him mesmerised, so I'd recommend slow and sexy movements. If he's standing I like to walk over to him, swaying my hips, and grab his belt. Pull him up against you, press your tits into his chest, and kiss him as you undo his pants. Get down on your knees as you push his undies down; kiss down his body if you want, I would recommend looking into his eyes.

If he's sitting I like to crawl over to him. If he's on a chair I crawl all the way, but if he's on a bed I'll walk to the bed then crawl up to him. As you crawl, arch your back downward like a cat stretching. Try brushing your nipples on the floor. This leaves your ass sticking up in the air, and the crawling motion will make it sway enticingly. When you reach him, stop at his dick, give him a lustful look and start getting into his pants.

This is the point at which you either whip him out and get going, or you turn the teasing up to eleven. I have driven guys wild by starting to blow them through their underwear (this works better with stretchy skin-tight undies than with loose silk boxers). Try giving him the impression that as much as you're teasing him, the self-denial is twice as bad for you. A girlfriend of mine likes to savour the smell as if it's a cigar. Do whatever you feel like, the important thing is you're teasing him to make it better, not to make his life miserable!

How you proceed once you're face-to-face with his cock depends on what condition it's in. Young guys will be just about ready to cum, while old guys won't be hard yet (generally -- prepare to be surprised, it's part of the fun!). One thing I absolutely love is putting a flaccid dick in my mouth and feeling it swell up in there. I'll also pop the young guys straight in so that if they're going to lose it we can get the first one out of the way and start again. Otherwise I generally give the cock a bit of a tongue bath.

I'd like to talk a bit about taste. Personally, I think cock tastes good. It doesn't have to be straight out of the shower, I don't mind if it's developed a bit of an aroma, within reason. If you pull it out of his pants and the smell beats you over the head take him off to the shower, give him a rinse, and continue there. Trust me, most guys will do anything for head, so he won't mind. Just try not to grimace or retch. You might find a man who wants you to lick things off him. Whipped cream and stuff is fine (although wash well to avoid smelling of cheese), no problems. Lots of guys like you to lick your pussy juices off them (assuming you're not using a condom, which means only in a trusting relationship once you've been tested -- very important), which is something I have no problem with. I would advise you to taste yourself on your own if you think you might do this -- just lick your fingers when you masturbate, and that way you won't surprise yourself. Some guys want to do the ass-to-mouth thing they've seen in porn. Leave this one in the videos, it's not worth the risk associated with ingesting your own shit. Finally, personally I hate the taste of latex, but I know some of my girlfriends don't mind it. I always use flavoured condoms for casual sex so he'll at least taste of chocolatey latex.

So, we're up to licking his dick all over. Try to savour the experience, it'll turn him on even more if you're loving what you're doing. One important thing about cocks is that you can push them up (against his stomach), but it could hurt him if you push it down too hard (some guys love this, though). Most guys like it if you push their cock up against their stomach and lick the underside of it. You can move down and lick their balls (gently!), and I go a bit lower to lick the perineum. This is where if you are into it, and don't mind the risk, you can give your man's ass a bit of a licking.

Usually at this point you've got one hand lifting his cock by the tip, and the other's not really doing much, which leads us to the question of what to do with your hands. If you're lucky enough to have a big man, your hands will be very useful because they will be the only way to stimulate the base of his dick. Wrap your hand around his shaft and pump the bit you can't fit into your mouth. You can do the same thing if you want to concentrate on his head with your lips and tongue.

If you're at a loss, you could always play with yourself. I've sucked a lot of guys who loved to look down and see me sucking hard on their cock while I tweaked and pulled both my nipples. If you're planning to blow this guy again, be sure to show him the wet spot you leave behind because you got so turned on sucking on his big, beautiful, hard cock.

By now you should have a big, hard cock in your mouth (you lucky thing!) and your man's full attention. As far as I can tell, the consensus seems to be that sloppy is better. Make sure you're not dehydrated before you start so you can generate spit -- you want to leave a shiny layer all over him. He'll love the idea that you drool at the thought of sucking him off, and I'm told it feels better. This is also an area where fingering yourself gives you an advantage -- just use your own juices to lube him up, supplementing his precum and your saliva. You might have seen in porn (or maybe real life, who knows?!) girls spitting at cocks. This is something I personally find a bit weird, but if a guy asked for it I'd do it. What I find sexier is nestling him between my boobs and sort of dribbling on him. Anything that misses I just wipe from my tits onto his cock.

Speaking of this kind of thing, I've been with guys who've asked for a titfuck, and I'm usually happy to oblige. I think with this kind of thing the turn-on is more visual than anything else, so be sure to look up at him with your sexy eyes and make a real show of sliding your boobs over his hard-on. Rather than waste saliva on this (it's hard to make enough) I recommend you get some lube. If it doesn't make you feel silly, a bit of dirty talking wouldn't go astray. One thing I do like is rubbing the cock over my nipples. In fact I love to tell a man how wonderful his cock is as I rub it over my skin -- face, tits, nipples, through my hair. I think it's because it feels a bit naughty.

On the subject of talking, I have this to say: if you can talk to the guy, it's not a blowjob. Your mouth should be full most of the time. Don't get me wrong, handjobs are great, especially at the end. I love to watch a dick twitch and pump a big load of cum at me, watch it fly towards me, and feel it splatter on my skin. If you're giving head, however, there needs to be lots of contact between your mouth and his dick. If you want to talk to him, do it between deep sucks of his cock. For example, ask him how it feels, then bury him in your mouth while he groans his ecstatic response, then pop him out again and tell him you love it too. Also, give him the impression talking is secondary to sucking by not answering him immediately. If he asks you a yes/no question, don't even take him out of your mouth, just answer with an "Uh-huh" with your mouth full.

In terms of incoherent noises, I would advise you not to fake sexual pleasure -- most guys won't buy it if you fake an orgasm while blowing them. If you do want to make some sort of moan, think more of eating a delicious chocolate dessert rather than being skilfully fingered. Of course, if you're going to cum for real, just let it out, and if you are playing with yourself (or he's playing with you), respond to that too. The noises he really wants to hear are the ones that show how hard you're working -- the sucking, slurping, popping noise of a girl trying as hard as she can to drink her man's cum!

If you talk to him, don't be too clever -- remember most of his blood's not in his brain anymore! When I first see his cock I like to complement it -- tell him it's big, hot, hard, beautiful, whatever's not too blatant a lie. If you really can't complement its appearance, give it a good licking or sucking and then tell him it's delicious. In fact, tell him that regardless. During the course of the blowjob you can reinforce the message by repeating it. You could also tell him how much you love what you're doing, or how turned on you are (don't lie about this -- he might check). If this is just stage one of the lovemaking, tell him what you look forward to doing next. If he's a stranger you've picked up, you could tell him you never do this but you find him irresistible. At the end, it's usually a good idea to give the guy permission and encouragement. It's nice to let him know you want to swallow, or take it on your face, or whatever. If there's something you don't want, tell him you do want something else, so instead of, "Don't you dare cum in my mouth, you perve," go for, "I want it all over my tits, you big stud." If you don't want the cum on you, tell him you want to watch it shoot, then point his dick past you.

As far as technique goes, I think it comes pretty naturally. You're mimicking intercourse using your mouth, essentially. The difference is teeth, tongue, and the "fact" that good girls don't do it. Lots of guys are freaked out by teeth in blowjobs, some guys like it. You could ask, but I prefer to let him ask me for it. Generally, just use your teeth either to scrape gently over the shaft, or to kind of grip the head at the back and pull, once again, gently! The tongue is a whole other matter. You need to use it. I don't have a tongue piercing because I like my teeth and don't want them chipped or ground down, but apparently this really does make a difference. Your tongue should slither around him, wrapping itself around the head, sliding along the shaft. Your technique will vary depending on the length of your tongue. A favourite among guys seems to be sticking your tongue out to lick his balls while his dick is buried in your mouth, but unless he's miniscule you'll need to control your gag reflex.

Now, guys love going down your throat, which is something I blame on porn. I personally have a gag reflex, so I can't do the relentless throat-fucking thing you see in movies, and I don't think there's anything sexy about puking. If you are with someone who wants to make you throw up, make sure you get most of it on him. This deep-throat thing is ok as long as you're in control, though. Once again, probably because it feels naughty, it can be a real turn-on to go as far down a cock as you can. I think guys actually prefer it if you gag a little bit, pop up for air, then dive straight back onto them, rather than either the professional "I can do this all night" thing or if you go too hard and spend minutes coughing. If a guy grabs your head and you're not one of those girls who likes that, or if you don't trust this particular guy, take his hands and move them down to your nipples. Then suck him as deep and as hard as you can to show there's no hard feelings.

If you're still at a loss as far as technique goes, get some porn and try anything you see that you like. What's even more fun is to get some porn, then watch it with your man and give him what he sees on screen (maybe a good idea to check the movie on your own first to avoid nasty surprises!). Guys love it if you can give them exactly the same rhythm and action as the slut on screen.

After doing your thing for a while, he'll be getting ready to unload for you. If you're a bit inexperienced and can't tell, he'll start to do something different -- lots of guys start to thrust at you, which means they want you to use their rhythm rather than yours so go with that; some guys go still, so basically don't let that freak you out; some guys start talking more, or get less coherent and more grunty. If he starts saying, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum," over and over, he's probably a little way off and needs some help, which you can provide by popping him out of your mouth and begging for a big load!

You'll learn to read the signs pretty easily -- when he cums, his pelvic muscles all squeeze up to shoot the semen out of him and this means his balls will lift up and his shaft will twitch. Then you'll find yourself with a jet of spunk to deal with, and you should think about how you're going to do that well before it happens.

Personally, I think cum tastes fantastic -- I'd buy it in bottles if I could -- so obviously I have no problem swallowing it. If you do, I suggest two things. First of all, catch it on your skin, then rub it in -- it's sexy without you needing to taste it. Secondly, try to acquire a taste for it, because there are some fun places you can blow a man where you don't want to leave a mess (your car, for example).

Some guys want to cum on you (usually face or tits after a blowjob), which might be their way of marking you or something. Whatever it is, there's not much reason not to let them if you're in private. If you're in public (or about to be), maybe consider just how bad the consequences could be, although chances are people won't really notice much. One of the sexiest things I've ever done was to blow a random guy first thing in the morning at university, have him wipe his dick in my hair, and then walk around all day being able to smell the faint aroma of cock in my hair. None of my girlfriends commented, so I assume they didn't notice, but I was so turned on I had to go and buy some more panties at lunchtime.

To give a man the best of both worlds, do one of these, then the other. Either have him cum on you, then scoop it up and eat it, or collect his cum in your mouth and dribble it all over yourself. I have a friend who likes to "accidentally on purpose" get a few dribbles on her clothes to make herself look and feel more slutty.

Once you finish, don't forget to thank him -- he'll thank you, but won't expect thanks back. If he's a regular of yours tell him you have so much fun you need to do it more often. If he's more of a one-off thing tell him you'd love to do it again.

I hope all this helps. Please remember to be safe, and that nobody has the right to force you to do something you don't want to do.

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Sex duel with the neighbors

My girlfriend and I live below you. A while back, we were waking up one morning to some weird noises. Kind of like some squeaks at a pretty even pace; I thought it was a ceiling fan or something. Well, it only took a minute to figure out what was really going on. The female moans helped to narrow down the possibilities, and the long deep groan at the conclusion of the session pretty much sealed it. We heard you having sex� we giggled and were kind of embarrassed but wouldn�t you know it, it got my girl in the mood and we began having sex too. Now, my girlfriend has a pretty neat sense of humor, so to make things more interesting she started making some noises exactly like we heard coming from above. Taking her cue, when I delivered the goods I managed to let out a beast of a man-groan that shook the foundation of our apartment. We had to put pillows over our faces to muffle the laughter.

The next time we heard you, we couldn�t help but join in. We started before you were even finished. When we heard things from above, we would beckon a response. Soon we were trying to push the envelope and totally out-do you, with moans and cries and screams of pleasure that I�m sure probably caused some commotion. It became sort of a fun contest for us to out-sex you, making sure we lasted longer and were much louder than you. We would do it against the wall hoping that you could feel the pounding. Apparently we had some sort of competitive drive that we really fed off. It was fun.

Then one time we were in the process of out-doing you when we heard massive noise from above. We paused for a second to get a better listen. What we heard was indescribable.

It sounded as if the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil was upstairs having an orgy; trapeze, elephants and all. We were astonished. Were you returning fire? Had our little game turned into a contest? Were we losing? What was going on up there? How could two people make so much noise? Or did you contract in some outside help?

We had to regroup. We brainstormed possible ways to gain the upper hand. We could only do so much with our voices, and it wasn�t fair because you have the obvious advantage of being upstairs. Needless to say, we came up with some ideas.

Yesterday morning we heard you two starting to go at it. My girlfriend took off her shirt and mounted me (I must say that her competitiveness is attractive and scary at the same time). What followed was some of the craziest sex we�ve had. Headboard slamming, yelling, squeals of pleasure, cries of pain and anger, hi-profile spanking. We grabbed a broomstick and started hitting the ceiling with it as we fucked like crazy.

You, however, were just as impressive, and we could hear the craziness above us as we pushed ourselves to be as wild as possible. Soon we heard you yell words like �HARDER!� and my girl would yell back �DEEPER!� which would soon be followed by �FUCK ME!� which we would reply �FUCK MY ASS!�

It was at this point when I had a mental image that would result in this note being written. I imagined what we must all look like having sex at the same time, yelling, pounding the floor and ceiling. We were basically participating in group sex! What started out as a small competition had gotten way out of control. What did our neighbors think? I couldn�t help but start to laugh.

We give up. You win. You win the sex duel. It�s been fun, and I am grateful to you for keeping my sex life interesting, but I just don�t have the strength mentally and physically to continue. Now let�s all just go back to having normal sex.

Respectfully,

Your downstairs neighbor (maybe we�ll meet in person sometime)

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I mean, DAMN

On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).

We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands.

Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.

Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...

I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

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Looking for an average guy for average sex

Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don't even send me a pic of your penis.
I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for.

Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.

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Advice for all those nice guys

I'm a woman who has dated a lot of shitty assholes.

Really, a lot.

I have had many nice guy friends, and nice guy suitors, who I've failed to get excited about. And, believe me, I've tried.

I beat myself up, decided I was a self-abusive wreck. But I'm not. I figured it out:

Those assholes got my attention, my interest, not by being assholes. Not even by being particularly physically attractive (seriously, you should see some of these trolls and their poor personal hygiene!). No, they acted nice at the start, they were sweet, attentive, made nice shows of affection.

The problem has been that the nice guys are so nice, and respectful, and considerate, that they've always given me space, aren't pushy, and are just ten tons of sweet. It's endearing, yes, but it doesn't push all of the necessary buttons. When they go in for a kiss, it's a short, quick one, not a long, passionate one where they pull me towards them and make my knees go weak.

So, the assholes swoop in, give a show of nice, turn up the heat, and I swoon, and then it all goes horribly wrong, BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES.

There's no reason the nice guys can't learn to do it, and still be nice.

So, guys, (NICE guys): lean in close when I'm talking, be a little bit more aggressive, stare a little longer, grab me and kiss me passionately. Make me swoon over the RIGHT guy, for once. Please.

Of course, I won't actually know the difference until it turns out you're still nice after a few months, but, fuck! wouldn't that be a nice surprise?

Drunkard At University of Arizona Pool Party Tucson, AZ

Young guy trying to meet girls at tucson bars

Buy girls drinks? Please, don't let yourself get used/waste your money.

OK, listen up punk.... you got three major factors, no, four, working against you. First, you're male. In case you haven't noticed, and I think you have, females utterly rule the social scene at bars and clubs. A woman can have you thrown out of a bar or club with just a word to the bouncer. You are in their world and are basically powerless.

Second, you are young. Most women prefer chatting/blowing.f-cking men a few years older than them (that is, until they crest the magic cougar age of 40, at which time a different set of rules kicks in). You might catch the interest of an 18-YO girl but she won't be at a club since the legal age is 21. And part of the curse of young adulthood (for both sexes) is a lack of experience in life. That's a sub-strike against you to go with the biology and sexual politics of age.

Third, you are straight. If you were gay you could be meeting/having sex with any number of guys before midnight tonight, no problem, yet even here in Rochester, NY. But you're not.

And last, you are very likely NOT well-off. Make $25k/yr and expect to be a babe magnet? Forget it.

20 years ago I was in the same position you are in, as are 99% of young men. You are appreciated in society if you are willing to get killed or kill others in the name of their freedom or well-being, or if you are the son of wealthy/influential people. Other than that, you are utterly disposable to everyone but your parents. It will not be until or unless you make decent money, get a bit older and wiser, and thus more valuable to society (ie, women) that you stand a chance out there in the social scene. To make matters worse, the average 18-30 YO female is more comfortable and often prefers the company of other females her age. Straight men rarely seek the company of other men their age since what they really want to do is f-ck the girls - unless the other guy is a babe magnet for whatever reason, in which case the motivation remains the same.

The girls want to f-ck, too, but "not just anyone". That's hormones and biology at work... at work against you.

Now that you are ready to kill yourself, take heart in a few salient facts of life:

1. As time goes on, your value in society goes up. You start as a disposable sperm-farm and eventually end up valued. That is because implicit in your ability to survive until you're at least 30 or 40 is your fitness as a source of offspring and what you can give to others based on your work and experience. You remain valuable, as do females, for what you can do for others. Human beings are ruthless exploiters of their own kind and this has not changed in millenia, though how this manifests does vary here and there.

2. As women age, their value declines. That is because, as you may have guessed based on item 1, it's all about reproductive/sexual potential. As theirs wanes, their power does to; as yours waxes, your power also waxes. That is why a bubbleheaded fool like, oh, say, Paris Hilton, commands headline attention while her equally-vapid and stylish mother does not.

3. So as you get older, life gets better for you in terms of your place in society. But in other ways, it may get worse. Likewise for women as they age, their value declines but in some ways, life gets better.

There is no way to solve this problem short of, say, joining a street gang. Those guys make lots of money selling drugs and thus have no trouble getting girls. Girls like "security", which means money. It's all about money. It always has been and always will be. You could be as unappealing as Bill Gates but with his money you can bang every super-hot babe on the planet. This is why law enforcement efforts to stop "gang activity" are doomed to utter and dismal failure. When money and pu$$y is on the line, there is nothing stopping the train.

So if you really want to become more appealing socially, find some way to make a lot money fast. Otherwise I suggest you simply bide your time and content yourself with handjobs at massage parlors or $20 blowjobs on Mt Read. Or, you could sign up with the local model rocketry club and at least there you can swap stories about how far you got your rockets to fly and what are the best masturbatory techniques for banging it off right in time when the coxman nuts his load in the porno you plan to watch after you're done playing with your model rockets.

You do have one thing down though: drinking. Keep drinking. At your age, it's all you've got. But hang in there, resist the urge to kill yourself. It will get better, trust me.

Strip Club Love

Found: Shirt, Bra, Thong and Vomit

Friday Morning
Found behind 3665 JFK Parkway Building 2 - near corner of Horsetooth.

All CSI work done on the end of a stick.
White shirt with some vomit on it - no obvious logos.
Nice black bra size B+ ish (I guess) with light shorter length dog hair on it.
Thong - black, may have been recently hot.
(Looked like some hair scrunchie thing with an extra loop - estimated waist size 8 inches).
Vomit - looked like vomit - you know - diced carrots and slime.

Clean up Kit used - already mentioned shirt plus napkins from Chipotle grill takeaway.
(You didn't finish all your takeaway?)

If you were at Chipotle grill on Thursday night, have a dog, and are missing underwear
- you now know where you were later Thursday night.

Just one thing to say, isn't Chipotle the greatest!

CSI on the end of a stick signing off. (I hope it was not the C part)

Erotic sex story

Kelly is the perfect pretty housewife, rather tall at 5'10", 125 pounds, short blonde hair, cute pert breasts, long slender legs, and a great ass. At 28 years old she's been married for five years. Her husband works a lot and is always away on business trips. To keep busy when he is away Kelly got involved with many local social groups. She never ever would think of straying from her husband and vowed she would always be faithful to him. Sometimes she did wish he weren't away so much and paid more attention to her. But after five years she was accustomed to his being away so much.

Tonight Kelly looked as attractive as ever. She wore a nice blouse, the kind that have a couple buttons near the bottom and two long thin sashes that tie in the middle and hang down. The way it tied around her chest really accented her cute breasts. She wore slacks that were fairly loose fitting. She never wore anything that was real tight and revealing. Yet she still had that incredible figure showing through.

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