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Observations on sex from a single woman

So, I'm a single, classy, well-educated, professional, in shape, cool woman... I'm dating and on the somewhat rare occasions when I meet somebody cool... someone I connect to and have chemistry with... I have sex. Here are some observations and tips for you guys from a somewhat sexually frustrated woman:

1) Condoms are a must... wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven't had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it's hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you're wearing one. That just means you're not working hard enough for the orgasm... you're lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2...

2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her... you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with "that look," and you can't get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, "I hate these things." I don't care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously.

3) You're in the zone, working it out... good shit. But I say, "Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?" Stop getting pissed off and/or offended... You say, "How come you're not wet?" Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me... I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody.

4) Sometimes I just want the dick... I don't want oral sex. It's not that you're bad or good at it, I'm just not in the mood... I just want your cock. Just an FYI.

5) It takes me a good amount of time to cum... it just does. Believe me... if I want you to stop, you'll know it. If I don't say anything or push you the fuck off me, just keep going. Pay attention to my facial expressions (open mouth, no sound coming out, but it looks like I'm screaming = good)... my feet (when my toes start to curl, keep doing whatever you're doing)... my hands and fingers and grip (if I'm kind of holding your hips at a certain angle... follow my lead).

6) Go ahead... grip me up a little (but, there is a fine line... don't cross it). Grab my hair... grab the back of my head... make me feel hot and wanted... it's fucking hot and I love it. Start gently and see what happens...

7) Reverse cowgirl just doesn't work for everybody. It's not my thing.

8) Tell me how good I feel... sigh... make a little noise. I don't need to hear you roaring like a T.Rex or anything, but don't be mute. It's unnerving.

9) Make me look at you... tell me to open my eyes. But don't stare like you're going to drill holes through my head. I sometimes get lost in my own little pleasure world and forget to look at you and watch what you're doing to me. Remind me.

10) Boobs can be sensitive at different times of the month... just know that and approach accordingly. I'll usually let you know ahead of time if I'm sore. Try to remember.

11) Don't forget about the neck and ears during sex. That's when I'm sometimes the most sensitive and it feels amazing having you that close.

12) Funny noises are going to happen... I might laugh out of minor embarassment and because it's just funny. It's okay, you can laugh too. I'm not laughing at you and I'm sorry if it feels that way.

13) Don't just jam anything into my ass all random-like. That should be self-evident, but apparently it's not. That's just not cool.

14) I don't get the finger-licking thing... especially when you just all up and stick your nasty fingers in my mouth.

15) Having sex when you're high is one of the best things ever. Just had to say that.

16) When you start to put your dick inside me for the first time, take that shit slow. Make me ache for it... put the head in slowly and leave it there for a second. Make me lift my hips up and beg for it. Know that at that point, you are in control and we like it. Or at least I do. I want you to understand how good it feels... relish the moment.

17) Tell me I'm beautiful and that you love my body at least once... This is especially effective when I'm in a weird position where my stomach looks fucking insane from my angle and who knows what it looks like to you. I work out. I'm pretty tight. I can kick some cardio ass. But damn, some positions just make me look crazy.

18) Nothing gets me hotter than getting a massage, lying on my stomach... and then having you lie down on top of me, putting your head into my neck and nuzzling my ear, gently but confidently wedging my legs apart with your knee and pressing your throbbing hard cock against my ass... I'm toast.

19) I think about sex just as much as you do, maybe more. I watch porn. I masturbate. I like to have sex... I'm careful and cautious and I have no problem asking you if you've ever been tested. If you say, "Yeah... a few years ago," I'm going to be disappointed. Don't be offended or pissy that I asked you that. I would expect you to ask me the same thing. If you don't ask me back, I think that's a little odd. On that note, if I ask you to check the condom once or twice during sex, just do it. I'm paranoid, but I'm also 31, never been pregnant, and never had an STD. So...

20) Don't leave a condom for me to find (or my cat... or my mom who volunteered to clean my house while waiting for me to come home from work one day). You're usually in charge of the disposal.

Dare Dorm

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Updates on Escorts

WARNING::GIRLS WHO AREN'T WHO the say they are::Fraud BLUE EYE VIXON on CL 480-369-2457 PIC STOLEN FROM PROVIDER IN PHX. SEXY SOCCER MOM 36,468-8065 reported as pick pocket/theft, filthy place, multiple DEN ROOMIES all busted.MEKO/Asian report of theft.ANGEL- NOW NO STAGE NAME & another phone using *602-743-0753* is the former DEJA from PHX and has a Robbery report listed..STACI 971-2472 now has a Robbery report posted to go with previous comments about weight.**TOP 10** REAL PICS!-REAL PRICING!-REAL FUN! ..ALEXIA DIOR-understands everything like no other-Fashion included.....NIKKI ST.PHILLIPS-knows the Desert like the Fox she is.... TRISTAN-tremendous addition here since June and has been an instant success....GENEVIEVE-top shelf In shape Top to Bottom...JESSICA JAMES-Love the name it so Wild West just like her... SERENA LOVE-Honest Sexy/Gem.Has the style & personality of a real GF. EMILY-Super hot bod 20 yo's wish they had.What makes her unique she is super nice and experience counts...JORDANA reappears after a brief vacation NEW pics tell ALL Say ALL..LEXI FOX calls herself Hawt-time will tell.**OTHER KNOWN AND TRUSTWORTHY PROVIDERS** JENNI{of SAN DIEGO]...PIPER...JADA **MASSAGE/BODY RUBS**SPANISH- Great AD /Great Pics adding some fashion and flair..MARIBEL improving fashion and Location and style..{Classic Catfight between the top two is probably the funniest thing on the whole internet right now}Our take is it will BENEFIT both..NATALIE 979-1208 is on an upswing and has it all together. ..*STATE OF THE MARKET*: In a word MISTRUST.This has put pricing at new Lows and clients have become even more wary and alot have QUIT.So what's the cause and the solution?The cause in a word LYING.Women have become their own worst enemy.It's about fake/stolen pics + the lying Age factor to appear "younger" and hide the scars. Thick Curvy and Voluptious all mean the same thing take your pick-out of shape.Hiding behind AGENCIES[further Info @ bottom] when things get Desparate with booking "assistants"- posting 100% fake pics. NO info 100% of the time and are a cover for "bait and switch" has beens also include the word "upsell".The most common overall lies are:NO face or NO Frontal pics NO prices NO services NO reviews NO sizing listed. Out of State phones that appear for NO reason out of the Blue.RIGHT NOW at least 80% of all AD's here are all or in part lies.So what's the CLIENT side up to in response in a word QUITTING. No shows- double booking-walking out- posting bad reviews-only using providers they Know and trust.For every action their is a re-action.So what's the bottomline No Clients=No Money$=No Business.What's it going to be Truth or consequences.*SINCE YOU ASKED.*AGENCIES* All their names & numbers with NO addresses of course are listed under the Yellow Pages "Escort Services-Personal" Consult before hiring.Most post late evening/early AM.THIS WEEK 12/17-12/23 is one of the HIGHEST RISK OF THE YEAR.Expect a ton of Phony AD's out of the blue desperate knowing 12/23-12/27 is time off.It's already Started! Know'em or forget em is the motto of the week.

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To My Fellow Co Worker With the 36 C's and Fine Body:

Thanks for the constant cock tease. I really do enjoy the extremes you go to show off your smoking hot bod, e.g. the see through blouses, painted on pants, thongs, shirts that are super low cut to the navel, mini skirts, (last week I saw you skipped the panties . . . . Thanks and nice trim job by the way), braless days, the hole nine yards.

Yet it's time to stop the double standard. As I explained to management, for every action there is a reaction. It's a physical law. Allow me to explain: Ater witnessing you parade around the office all day, stopping to pose across my desk to chat with your female colleague whilst you bend over to display an ass that I would crawl a thousand miles to rim, don't be surprised and pissed off and run to the boss to tattle on me. It's only natural that I have become . . . . well, engorged.

And in my state of turgid arousal, I remain where I am, at my desk, trying to hide a throbbing member who's need to plunge itself deep into every orifice of your body, cannot be so easily hidden or controlled. I am a man. I like to fuck women. I especially like to fuck pretty women.

Yet off you go to the boss to complain about my boner. A boner you only witnessed when you made it a point to come over to my desk, show off those lovely fun bags (it was a bra less day), and make an effort to ensure that I notice your Playboy-esque bod.

You don't see us guys walking around the office showing off our wood, do you? I don't prance in and announce to all within ear shot, "Gee, Bob. These new briefs really accentuate the length and girth of my now steel like cock" or "I'm not sure, but I don't think these slacks make my dick look big, what do you think Ted?". To do so would be, well, let's just say "inappropriate". Yet, you feel compelled to do just that after having made your latest purchase from Victoria Secret.

You got the reaction from me you so desperately wanted. Yet, Management gets it. They understand what you're doing and why. You'll do anything for attention.
Your boss asked me if I thought you had been hugged enough by your Dad.

Merry Xmas from Strip Club Love

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Prostitution should be legal

I don't understand why we are so middle ages about this. Everyone know it goes on. Most men visit prostitutes. I recall that the question was on the ballot in SF and it was soundly defeated, I mean soundly, in one of the most liberal cities in the USA.

Why are we such hypocrites? It is a total waste of Law Enforcement resources to enforce laws against prostitution. There is no way to stop it. If we legalized it and taxed it, we would be able to raise much needed tax revenues and we would ensure safety by requiring safe sex practices and AIDS/VD tests.

If it was legal, the demand would shift to the legal brothels and off the streets, which would clean them up and make neighborhoods and people safer, especially exploited women. LE could then concentrate on illegal prostitution and we could throw the book at them.

Why can't women understand that they would be much safer if their cheating husbands were going to legal safe brothels than to crack whores in the alley? Can anyone give me even one negative for legalizing prostitution?

The word "cunt" has lost its edge

I think it's time for a worse swear than "cunt". It used to be that was the absolute top of the swearing hierarchy. You could stop any discussion just by flashing the joker of all swear words. I mean... wow. Cunt. it's got two hard consonants. Not only that, but they are at the beginning and at the end. Come in with a crash, go out with a bang. And the 'u' gives it that really short syllable sound. See, the word "fuck" is similar, but it's just too undecided. First off, it begins with sort of a foo foo sounding letter... fffff, I mean what's that? Then as far as the meaning, well it's just not focused enough... could be a noun, could be a verb... you can combine it with other words, there's just no direction. Make up your mind. Now... "cunt", there's a word that knows exactly what it's trying to say. It doesn't need a context. But now everyone's on the cunt bandwagon, and it's just not the same anymore. There isn't that thrill of "ooohhh, who's gonna top that?". It's just mundane everyday now. We need something that can be applied to anyone, an equal opportunity word like fuck or cunt but worse. Cuck? Nah, that's too much like cock. What about Funt? No, that just sounds like gay football or something. So, anyway, if someone's got any ideas... run it by the rnr panel of judges, and we'll let you know if yours is a winner. For now, let's slow down on the usage of cunt... like antibiotics. And don't forget to wash your ass.

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Rants and Confessions from a Denver Escort

First and Foremost: I work for the President (Ummm the light bulb inventor) Benjamin Franklin�.

Rants from an upscale Denver Escort who started at the bottom�the agency�.
P.S Anyone writing me hate notes after reading this....then it must apply to you, and if you are the wife of one of these idiots and bitter...I am sorry...we are all a little bitter.
This is a rant that has built up over the course of a year, and that must now be said. I cost too much for the freaks to seek me out now�. And I may run across you guys again�but you are memorable�enough for me to seek therapy anyways.

On with the RANTS!

Issue #1:

I have to voice this in the loudest possible way because I STILL get it�and I quote �I�m only here to please you, tell me what you like�that�s all I want�� barf, barf, barf�.If you gave me what I wanted it would be 5 bills and your back, on the way out the door. Why are clients SO damn concerned with �making me cum�? The fact that they say they are only there to please me really really annoys the shit out of me. They are there to masturbate into me, and this is VERY different, ladies and gentlemen, from making love with your significant other. So guy�s please who the fuck are you kidding? We are emotional creatures, and just a little more complicated then just you plugging away at us and expecting for us to �cum�. Gross

Let�s just say ENOUGH with the solemn face and �serious talk� after the session. You insisted I not put a raincoat on you when my mouth went down to the unknown, we wore protection (as I always do), and yet after the session you say �I�m OK right��?.....your clean?� Let�s define �clean� as you put it. Do I take showers everyday? Yes. Do I get STD tested every 3 months? Yes. Do I always use condoms? Yes. Did I see 10 other clients that same week or even day as you? Yes. And 98% all went down on me. Now, even if I was completely honest with you, I can almost swear all those guys I saw in just this last week were not completely honest with me. Do I know this and still take the risk? Yes, and I am still an escort. I know stats, and educate myself immensly on health safety issues�sounds like you don�t but still see me�.hmmmm�there has to be some level of responsibility that you take on when you see me�.GET IT FUCK STICK?

NO, you cannot fuck me without a condom. (Fact: I get this question about 1/50 people)�And needless to say THAT IS FUCKING GROSS! How many other escorts have you asked this question, that actually LET YOU!!?? You know what this means to me? That you have NOTHING to lose�as in for example �well shit I have _________(insert v.d here) already so why the hell not?� and that is fucking scary.

Fact: 90% of the men I see ARE married. (and quite honestly we probably make them better husbands, there wives don�t have to fuck them�they pay us�everyone is happy!)

And I quote again � I�m married�..is that ok?� Why would it matter fuckstick? It�s preferred. It hopefully means you have a life and will leave me the fuck alone after the session. Plus, how insulting is that question. As if I escort to find meaningful relationships with trustworthy men. Note to every dumb shit out there�.I am not looking for single men to date, better if you are involved.

I don�t care if other girls like it or �actually prefer it� (or that bullshit line you are feeding me), you CANNOT cum on my face, around it, in my mouth, or even near it. Put your legs up on the wall and flip them by your head, that way you can shoot it at your own face ya dip shit.

To the guys who have escorts girlfriends: Quit fucking acting like you have me all figured out. Do not lump me into the category of your trashy escort girlfriend who charges $200/hr. for full service. And goes by the handle �_________(insert name here) of Denver�. I charge $500 minimum now, because after the year of being at the bottom I now understand my self worth. She has been in the business 10 years and you think she is a top provider�..quit making me laugh. My chosen name also has a bit more thought process to it�.then debbie does denver. Do not think you �know� the escort community. If you and her have fucked up underlying problems because you know she fucks SOO MANY guys (gotta make those dollars) to support your loser ass�well don�t take it out on me. You�re a fuckin idiot.

Ok guys, hygiene talk. Your breath smells of dog shit, maybe you know who you are�maybe not. BUT Guys please please please brush your teeth, wear deordant. Also when we are in missionary and your fat, short, bald-headed self is sweating to death on top of me, remember, I don�t like it you have no hair to refrain your sweat from falling in my god damn face. Drape a sweat towel over your shoulders, that way when your half-way done jacking off inside me you can wipe your face and save me from your disgusting sweat fluids dropping all over my face!

Farting is disgusting and unacceptable on my part, but�then why do you do it? How fucking old or drunk are you that you don�t even say excuse me when you break wind?? Next time one of you assholes tries to lick my ass again, I�m cutting one loose. I already told you to keep your fingers and tounge out of my ass (for your own good, I have irritable bowel syndrome, no joking) but yet you persist. My IBS is so bad sometimes. I do have gas and bloat myself to hold it and, it does not help you are prying down there. SO just try not to be such an asshole.

Oh yes�.dry fingers HURT. Did you actually think over the last 2 minutes you gave me a wet slicky down there? Once I saw you I knew only alcohol would get me remotely turned on, and since you provided NONE of that, stop trying to shove your dry ass fingers in my gine. It�s called Lube, fuck stick.

I HATE HATE HATE men which big lizard size dicks. You could say I have a smaller vagina, or even a short canal. But I have been split before while you ram away and it puts me out of work for at least a week. Your blacklisted you fuck heads, I don�t like to be gutted or feel like my insides are bruising while you pound away with that meaty cock of yours. I hate you. If you came in 2 minutes, I think I would be fine�.BUT noooo your stupid ass must have taken viagara so you could �last� the ENTIRE goddamn time. Listen asshole, no one fucks the ENTIRE time. It�s not normal. If they did my pussy would fucking fall off�.all you big guys out there..you only get 2 minutes before I become hostile. How about if I beat your dick off lubeless with a piece of sandpaper for 60minutes�how would you like that? Fuck you guys.

Wait, the all time favorite hilarious priceless quote � Let�s go on a REAL date sometime�..� does that mean you want to hang out with me for free?......ha��ha�..ha�.(choke)�.ha�.ha�I�m choking how hard I�m laughing� Anyways, moving on..

Since we talked about big dicks, lets talk about limp dicks�.nothing wrong with �em, they are cute little guys. However, the limp dick and I come at odds when you are still attempting to thrust inside me and the condom is falling off. Thus leaving it inside me. Just STOP, don�t fucking try anymore. Its not going to happen and I don�t want ANY piece of your dick skin touching me at all down there. Would you like a hand job?

And that brings me to my next point, why do you have to thrust sooo deep that you go past the shaft part of the condom? I rolled that baby down as far as I could and you still want your disgusting dick skin to touch me somehow. Just STOP, your dick doesn�t get longer the more you shove it in! You are just annoying me.

For the guys who want to �see my face� picture before I meet them, knowing very well I don�t show my face on the website. Fuck off. I have a fucking beautiful face and I KNOW it. Everyone loves my face, maybe too much. It is how I am successful and can pull in 5,000 a week. If I had a butt ass ugly face like you do, do you think I would still be charging $500 for the fuckin hour? I KNOW my face and general appearance is fuckin fantastic and I use it to my advantage.

Sure you can make out with my foot for an hour. No I will not wrap a rubber band around your penis head several times to help you not cum. You want me to dig my nails into your balls??

Ummm is that a freshly pierced lip ring you have there young guy? Why are you trying to go down on me then with that freshly pierced lip ring? Fucking gross�I don�t want your open sore in my vagina. Dumb shits.

Don�t fucking squeeze my sides so hard you leave fingertip bruises! My boyfriend will see those!

I keep everything that is handed to me�.don�t fuckin ask me for change dip shit.

Green makes me smile and love you more : )

Hold your belly up when we are in doggy style it makes a fart-slapping noise if you don�t. I was kind enough to pull your belly back to find your dick just 5 minutes ago when I was on top�.

I honestly laugh when you ask me why my skin is so soft. Let me tell you my routine. I am a bit obsessive compulsive when I comes to flesh to flesh skin cells rubbing off on me. I SCRUB myself every night with sugar and anything else I can find that is abrasive enough to make my skin raw. This is to get your distgusting skin cells and germs off me. Every time you touch me I think I will be expecially scrubbing that area extra hard tonight�your �soft� touches make my skin crawl ya dirty old fucks.

Why is it I expect the worst when a client walks in or I show up? Ok so you have a gimpy arm that is shorter then the other arm with knubs for fingers and a bit deformed. Even your elfish body and rounded chest sets you apart from other guys. You need love too. Since no one but me will fuck ya, I go at it bravely. But why WHY WHY do you have to be so creepy with that arm? I tried to ignore it, and you then proceed to touch me with it and call them your �special fingers� and then shove your knubly deformed half fingered hand into my vagina trying to �pleasure� me. Not only does that creep me out, but it really makes me wonder what karma I have put out for you to show up at my door. Why must I be punished? Therapy�.I need it�

Stop drooling in my mouth and learn how to kiss�.why is your tounge so fat? I can�t believe I just let him go down on me with those rotten ass teeth�I guess it was better then him trying to make out with me�..Gentlemen red onions are offensive�expecially on your breath!...I can�t stop staring at the bats in your cave�

No I will NOT dominate you, you are looking in the WRONG god damn section of EROS. You want �BDSM� not �female escorts�. I DON�T get off sticking things in your ass and making you cross-dress. You couldn�t pay me enough�.well maybe, but you�re a bunch of cheap bastards also, so fuck off. I want triple what I charge hourly.

Repeat, we are NOT dating. I am not your girlfriend. Stop thinking you are cool enough for me to be here if there was no money involved. I wouldn�t even fart your way unless you paid me. Much less show up and just �hang-out�. Don�t fucking tell me you love me, 3 clients this week already beat you to it.

Pussy Eating�.for the so-called �experts� Rule #1 Don�t spead my lips apart with your hands so far that they tear the inner soft skin on the vagina�.how about I pull your pee hole in two different directions�hmmm?? It would rip the sides�wouldn�t it ?fuck stick?? Rule #2 Don�t suck my clit and labia up into your mouth and catch it on your teeth�..lets say I rake my teeth over your cock? Wouldn�t that feel great?? Rule #3 Keep your tounge on the top or the bottom. The middle of my vagina is my pee hole�I don�t know about you but tounging my pee hole is NOT a turn on�.it burns. Rule #4 Lick on TOP of the hood not under. There are 4,000 neves on my clit and it feels WAYYYY to sensitive. Kinda like your cock, JUST after you cum. With that said 80% of guys really really give bad head. That is just my personal observation.
If you ask to extend in the middle of a session, because you are just IN LOVE with me�as most usually are�then make sure you have enough to cover the time used buddy! You can�t refund my time asshole, and just because I didn�t want to get up and talk about business when you asked to extend in my compromising position�don�t take advantage of it and bring less then you think you will spend! Dumb shits�

On a happy end note�I DO have to give some credit to the normal guys. The married ones who are stuck in a marriage and are very attractive and could literally get any younger female they wanted, but stay for the kids. Also the non- freaks, losers, ass-face, deformed, hanicapped, overly obese �etc..guys. who have a charming way about them, but decided not to pursue relationships they are not ready to commit to. I salute and respect you. Because you and I both know you can get an attractive girl, who is unsuspecting and sweet and thinks the best of people, to go home with you after you feed her lies just to get into her pants, and then act as if you care for awhile until the sex gets old then throw her out on her relationship wanting ass. Get smart ladies! Stop sleeping around and not using condoms half the time. Fact: My non escort girlfriends hardly ever use condoms�I yell at them. They are so slack�.and I use to be. BUT I have learned, Men go after what you want. I understand my relationship to you is a client, provider on and there are no gray lines. That is what you are there for, and so am I. You, fantasy porn-star sex�me-benjamin franklins�and it works out.

SO STOP ASKING ME MY REAL GOD DAMN NAME!!!!! It�s none of your fucking business�this is a fantasy I fulfill for you�stop making it so god damn personal. I�m NOT your fucking girlfriend/wife for christ sake (or want to be)�.I�m just a sweet face�..

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Tips and a rant from a female bartender

Yes. Things get slipped into drinks. No. This is not news.

As a now retired female bartender, I thought I had the corner market on this little drink watching thing. I've tended bar in a half-dozen places here. (Yuck, I know, blame my never ending educational endeavors.) I still go out occasionally with my girlfriends, but part of me has a hard time letting go and getting tanked. Why, you ask? Two reasons.

Well, having bartended (and dated more "security" guys than I should have) I have seen my fair share of people in the throws of a mickey fit. I've sat and held confused, crying women who security literally drug in from the parking lot. I've watched big, manly men crying because the "spiders" they saw crawling everywhere were going to get them. Watch this once or twice. Look a woman right in the eyes, knowing she was headed to the hospital for a rape kit work-up. Then tell me that I shouldn't "cock-block" when your buddy is just trying to score a piece with my hot, albeit barely coherent girlfriend.

Even as careful as I am, I was slipped something in Vegas. Fortunately, I was with my then significant other's buddies who had been charged with my safekeeping. Three hours and three martinis later, I couldn't stand up. THREE DAYS later, my hands finally stopped shaking and the puking went away.

So again. Please. When I explain to you, Mr. Hot Guy trying to talk me into letting my drunk girlfriend go to that private afterparty/hottub thing---don't think I'm a bitch. When I get frustrated from alternately trying to prop upright one of my girls while you and said semi-coherent friend wheedle, to go to some unknown person's home--- be a gentleman. When I finally get upset, give you her phone number and tell you that "I don't care if you fuck my friend all day tomorrow, but I am ABSOLUTELY not turning her over to you at 2:00am." Don't think I am a cold, frigid unfeeling bitch who really needs some of "what you got".

Understand that part of me would love to toss back a few more shots, shake my thing on the dance floor and pass out after some very fumbly sex on your bed sheets that haven't been washed in a month. The problem here is that after my aforementioned experiences, it makes me a little wary. Yes, I have a trust issues with SOME of your gender. Not you, per se, but the very small handful of those OTHER guys that have given you a bad rap. The ones with the mommy issues, control problems, rageaholics and the unimpressive equipment, who have to drug a girl into oblivion to get laid. So please, when I (the responsible, semi-sober friend) ask you to please sleep with her tomorrow, respect that. I have a duty to my friends to keep them safe. More importantly, I have a duty to their children, being their fun "Aunt" to bring their mom home safe after our all-too-rare night out.

And in a side issue: Being the semi-sober, responsible one does not necessarily make me the least likely candidate in such a target rich environment. You would be surprised, pumpkin, at how far an invite for coffee or greasy breakfast tomorrow will get you. Besides, I'm also the nurturing one, who cooks great Italian, your mother will love and who knows, your future children might actually have a chance at being literate with the friend who is "hot, but a bitch". Take a chance, it might be worth it. And quit whining that you �Never meet nice women in the bar�. Let�s rethink. The nice women are usually not the one�s who are willing to go home with you that night. Nor are they the ones who strip in public, blow you in the bathroom, make out with their friends (well, sometimes), whore themselves out for another Long Island or dress like they are getting paid to be there. There are nice girls in bars. I know them. I meet them all the time. They just aren�t the ones you are immediately drawn to, due to their lack of clothing. But I promise you. The nice girls are the ones you would double take at the grocery store, but skip over in a smokey dark club. If you think you should wear a body condom or have to dig through more than three inches of makeup to find skin, chances are this is not a �nice� one. Just a thought.

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Wild Party Girls!

Money talks movie sample

Girls having sex for money.

Stripper Rant

1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.

2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.

3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?

4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.

6) No I will not just let you "slip it in real quick" for $50 more bucks.

7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.

8)If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.

9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.

11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you're about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don't give a shit.

12) Don't bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.

13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.

14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.

15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.

16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!

17) "So what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants.

18) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That's extra.

19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!

20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious perfume before our dance.

21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to "Desperate Housewives" instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.

22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why.

23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.

24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you stupid mutherfucker!

25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.

26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girls don't have to do "extra services." I can give you some recommendations for a small fee.

27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.

28) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.

29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.

30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me going to PETA looking for a steak.

31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.

32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't know all the words.

33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.

34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like lapdance funk.

35) Hey DJ! You suck!

36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.

37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.

Hottest girl I know

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The sexy, Franciska, came to visit with her boyfriend. She was looking very hot in those tiny shorts. She had long hot legs and a pretty face. They wanted to stay at the apartment so they paid the standard fee of a hot sex show. She undressed and displayed her luscious tits and juicy ass that she liked to wiggle. She sucked his dick before he licked her beautiful thick pussy. Then, she jumped on that cock and pumped her pussy on it. It was hot to watch her get drilled as her splendid tits bounced around. She smiled as she got buttermilk all over. They fulfilled the rent.

Strippers, their boyfriends, and general stupidity

The stripper from last night: So you're dancing on the stage (or trying to), and a guy brings you a dollar. You bend down to take it, and he touches - or otherwise does something to make you think he's going to touch - your pussy. Welcome to the job. I realize that you're brand new to the business, so I suppose that you can call that Lesson One. You're on a stage, dancing for strange men, practically naked. You dance up close and personal for said strangers, shaking all the good stuff in their faces. It's an imperfect world sweetie. They're going to go as far as you let them. So when someone touches you, or does something that makes you think you're going to be touched, there are a number of ways to handle this that WON'T lead up to the bullshit scene you caused last night. Let's review, shall we?

1. TELL HIM not to touch you. Most of them are going to try to push their limits. They want to know what's allowed. If you don't tell them ahead of time (or when you're on stage, where the no-touching rule is just implied), then they'll go exploring on their own. There are some very dirty girls out there who allow strange men to do all sorts of things to them for their measley lap dance money. Guys want to know if you're this kind of girl. Nine times out of ten, they'll stop crossing the line when you draw one. OPEN YOUR MOUTH and tell them that it's not allowed.

2. You're pissed? Fair enough. In fairness, guys really should know better. Especially when you're on stage (even though I don't believe for a second that this guy actually touched your pussy while you were on stage). I've been in your shoes, really I have. He bothered you and you were pissed, and it was inconvenient to get a bouncer since you were on the stage. Plus, can't stress it enough, you were pissed. Hit him! Push him. Kick him. Smack him in the face. It's your body so...do what you must. You may or may not get in trouble for this. You may or may not get fired for this. You may or may not get hit back by the guy you hit...but there are bouncers for that, so do what you gotta do.

3. Walk away.

4. Tell a bouncer. He's not just there to break up fights. He's there to get rid of trouble-makers. Trouble-makers are people who touch our pussies. He's there FOR YOU. Take advantage.

5. Be nice to him, offer him a dance, and fart in his face...OR...

6. Can't muster one up? Let him buy you a drink, "accidentally" spill it on him, and call it a day.

See? There are so many ways that we can handle these little incidents. Here's a short list of what not to do:

1. Don't bring your boyfriend to work with you. There's a reason that there's a whole rule dedicated to this. Boyfriends can be jealous/over-protective (but you know that now, don't you? Should we call this Lesson Two?). Nobody wants to watch their girlfriend dance all over strange men. You don't need him for protection. WE HAVE BOUNCERS. Leave the man at home.

2. When you neglect rule #1 and you bring your jealous boyfriend to work with you, and then you encounter a guy doing something that makes you uncomfortable/defensive, don't run to your boyfriend to tell him about it. GO TO THE BOUNCER. By the way, have you SEEN our bouncer? He's like 6'5, 390, and pretty damn intimidating. He can handle your problems. Leave the boyfriend out of it.

But no, not you. Your pussy is made of gold. You are not subject to the shit that the rest of us must put up with by choosing to do what we do. You can't handle the issue on your own. The security provided to you by the club is not good enough for you. You MUST bring the boyfriend, and you MUST cause a scene. So you trot over to your scrawny boyfriend, and you tell him what has happened. Totally impartial and level-headed guy that he is, he picks up his beer bottle, walks over to the guy who allegedly touched you, and smashes it on his head. I see a fight, and hear your dramatic ass screaming (a little bit like satan) about "you don't touch me you fucker"...all while your knight in shining armor gets his fucking face smashed in. Haha! You're a dumbass.

I see/hear the fight and go running to the dressing room. I, unlike you and your boyfriend, don't like violence. The last time I saw a fight in a strip club, people got shot. A front row seat wasn't a priority. So I ran. I tripped over my 6" heels about 8 times, so while running, I simply kicked them off and ran faster. Two minutes later, you come into the dressing room looking like you've been stabbed 42 times - minus the stab wounds. I don't think I've ever seen that much blood. Still, it wasn't your blood. You grabbed your bag and left while still wearing your stripper outfit. Classy.

Let me just say again that you're a dumbass. If you can't handle certain inevitablilities of the job you're doing, then find another job. No job is pleasant all the time, but this one can be particularly unpleasant at times. You have to either learn how to handle the situations that arise, or just quit. Under no circumstances should you make a fucking scene like you did last night.

To the boyfriend: YOU'RE a dumbass. And now, you're a dumbass with a broken face. Stay out of the fucking strip clubs please. Either trust your girlfriend to handle herself in a way that's fair to your relationship, or find another girlfriend. Meanwhile, hopefully you've learned a lesson or two as well. Lesson One: you never know who you're fucking with. That beer bottle didn't do a whole lot for ya, did it? You went at a guy who was sitting at a table with another guy who was definitely bigger and meaner than you, and a chick who...well, I wouldn't fuck with her. What did you REALLY think was going to happen? You were going to be the Beer Bottle Ranger, and save your fair stripper maiden? You thought his friends WEREN'T going to stomp on you? Even the chick got you!

I, being aware of the "you never know who you're fucking with rule", didn't stick around to see the whole thing. I did find out that the blood your girlfriend was covered with was yours. I did see that the three people who kicked your ass didn't have a scratch on them...except for the big guy who cut his hand to shit while he was breaking your face open. Even the guy who you hit with the bottle seemed perfectly fine. The whole thing really was pretty stupid, wasn't it?

PS - my shoes...the ones I kicked off when running to get out of the way of your stupidity...yeah. I guess that when you were being dragged out of the bar, you were bleeding pretty bad. You bled on my shoes...which are now in the garbage. You can send a new pair to me at the club. You know the address. Thanks.

To the guys: Don't touch the girls unless expressly invited to do so.
PS - Thanks for the money.

In the VIP movie sample

I'm the waitress at your local nudie bar.

Welcome to your neighborhood nudie bar! Come in, have a seat, check out all the pretty girls. Oh, look! Here comes one now. But why is she fully clothed? I'll tell you: because she's me, your nudie bar waitress--here to tell you about our two drink minimum�

"Two drinks!" you scream, "they didn't tell us at the door!"

Let me explain, idiot:
They don't tell you that at the door because they don't want to scare you cheap bastards off. See, you come in, you see a naked dancing lady, chances are, even the cheap mofo�s want to stay. You�ll probably be too distracted by the live pussy to notice the signs on all the tables that say, "two drink minimum." So I've been hired at minimum wage to inform you.

I don't tell you this. Instead, I smile, and in the sweetest, bubbliest voice minimum wage can buy, I say,
"It's not the doorman's job to tell you about the two drink minimum, its MY job!"
I hold a little sign with all the drinks and prices on it in front of you and ask kindly, "What would you like?"

You ignore the sign and say, "I'll have a Budweiser."

This is where I change my tone to sad and empathetic.
"We don't serve alcohol," I explain, �It�s illegal in San Diego to have full nudity and alcohol."
I feel you. I understand. You make me want to drink.
Other times, I think, good try, little under-21 punk. You only got in because its an 18 and up club.

You finally look at the sign I've patiently held in front of your face. This is where you exclaim loudly, "$4.25 for a COKE?!!"

Inwardly, I sigh. Outwardly, I correct,
"$8.50. You have to buy two."
I sense your confusion, (not too good at math, eh?) so I explain again,
"It's a TWO drink minimum."

You're speechless.

Let me explain: In America, when you have a business, you want it to make money. Say you have a nudie bar in a city/state where it�s illegal to have full nudity and booze under the same roof. Where the heck are you going to make your money? You gotta sell something. So you sell cokes and juices for $4.25. And you make it a two-drink minimum.

Now you're really upset.
"8.50 for two cokes? I'm not paying $8.50 for two cokes!"

Here�s a reality check, idiot: First of all, I�m talking to you. I doubt women talk to you much, unless, like me, they�re in the service industry. That�s gotta be worth something. Secondly, have you been to the movies lately? They�re like $9, and you don�t even get cokes. What�s more, you have to leave after an hour and 50 minutes. In a strip club, the entertainment is live. Nudity, right in front of you, and you can stay longer than an hour and fifty minutes. Plus you get two nonalcoholic drinks. For a mere $8.50. It's really a super bargain. So get off my ass. I didn�t set the prices.

The more I think about this, the more it bugs me. You aren't paying $8.50 for cokes; you are paying $8.50 for the privilege of having many women take their clothes off and dance before you. Ask some random non-crack head woman outside to take her clothes off and dance for you for $8.50. See what happens. You might get slapped, you might get the police called on you. Now, with that same $8.50, you go try to get 15 women to do it. It ain�t gonna happen, buddy. So buy the drinks and realize it's a bargain.

But I don't balk at your resistance to the $8.50. Instead, I make a cute little flirty face and purr, "It's really worth it!" (I'm a real fucking bargain at minimum wage, I tell you.)

Now what gets me is the sheer percentage of you who will---after all this---say,
"Nah, I'm good. I don't want anything."

You look past me, at the naked dancing lady, verbally and non verbally telling me, "go away!"


I try to put it in even simpler terms. I say,
"It's a two drink MINIMUM. You HAVE to buy two drinks to be in here."
Then pause, dumb it down more:
"You HAVE TO BUY TWO DRINKS."

You don't want to tear your eyes away from the bent over ass a few yards in front of you. I know, it's a joy to watch a pretty naked girl bent over slapping her own ass. But somewhere in your pea brain, it registers that you cannot fully enjoy the ass until you get the persistent waitress to leave.
"Okay, okay," you grumble.
"What would you like?� I ask, slightly relieved. My smile is warmer.
You look back at the sign. On it, an assortment of non-alcoholic beverages. Coke, diet coke, Sprite. Orange juice. Cranberry juice. Etcetera.

You start reading it. Slowly.
Yessssssss, your waitress has allllllllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyy...

After an eternity, you decide.

"I'll have coke."
I turn to your friend, whose been standing next to you the entire time.
"What would you like?"
"Uh, nothing. I'm not thirsty."

Part Two: I Bring the Drinks

"Are you guys paying separately or together?�"
"Separate."
"That'll be eight fifty," I say.
You see two cokes in front of you. You complain,
"Ahh, you bring 'em two at a time?"
"Yes, you idiot. Like I would trust you to buy one now and one later?"
Actually I only say, "Yes."

You hand me a twenty.
I make change, giving you eleven one-dollar bills and two quarters.
Why so many ones?
A. Because it's a strip club! I'm hoping that once you see a big pile of ones, you�ll realize what they�re for, and give me one.
B. I know if I don't give you a bunch of dollar bills now, you will be asking for them later when the stripper whose ass you�ve been staring at hits you up for money! And lastly,
C. Since you're probably not going to tip me well on the drinks, you for sure aren�t going to tip me for a second trip if I have to bring you change later. I unload all my ones on you now to save myself the trouble.

But I do make it slightly inconvenient. I have learned not to hand you your change, which you will pocket. If I put your change on my tray, you have to pick it up. I�m counting on you being too lazy to pick up the quarters. That way, I�ll get at least fifty cents, (yeah, it�s pathetic what I gotta do for fifty cents). Fifty cents is more of an insult than a tip, but because I make so little, I figure it�s better than nothing.

So you pick up the bills. You look at the two quarters on my tray, decide it's not worth it, and leave them. You didn't tip me; you were just too lazy to pick up the quarters. You don't say thank you. Neither do I.

I turn to your friend.
"$8.50," I say.
He�s rifling thru his pockets. He's scrounged up a five-dollar bill and three wadded ones. He drops them on my tray.
"It's $8.50," I say. "You're short fifty cents."
He looks at you.
"You got fifty cent?"
You remember that fifty cents and nod at my tray. It's already there. For a $17 order, I get nothing. And because I value/need my job, I don't say anything.

Here's a little rule: When you buy a drink, never tip less than a dollar. I live so far under the poverty level that I have to go to bars with $2 drink nights. I still tip a buck a drink.

If you ask your strip club waitress to go get someone because you want a lap dance, give me a dollar for my trouble. If you didn't tip me for drinks, and don�t intend to tip me to go get her, get off your ass and get her yourself.

Lastly, don't come in with a bunch of guys, have a big order, not tip me, then ask me to change $40 into ones to tip the dancers with.

I'm not making a living wage. My paychecks do not even cover my share of rent. And guess what? In the tipping/service industry, the government assumes we are getting tipped, and taxes us accordingly. I lose money when you don�t tip. It costs me money out of my paycheck!

My favorite: I wish you were out there reading this, but I'm assuming you're retarded and illiterate. You came in. You bought two drinks. You asked for all ones for change. You gave me nothing, explaining, "I need these for tips."

Let me explain something: You're telling me that the naked ladies are more important for you to tip than your server. Well guess what? Some of those naked ladies (deservedly) make over $500 per night. Your dollar, little man, doesn�t mean shit to her. You will only mean something to her if you get her in a private booth and let her do a string of lap dances for you at $15 a pop. Ten dances, she�ll remember you and smile at you next time you come in.

I've seen strippers pick up dollars time and time again and not say "Thank you". I will always say thank you for a dollar. That dollar will mean a lot more to your waitress.
I can't believe you, saying, "I need these for tips." Then not tipping me, your server.

I hope all that jacking off gives you carpal tunnel.